Is the middle way the road less traveled?

I struggle to find my way through the maze of choices in this life every day. I kinda feel like I am stuck with either going to the extremes of the issues to be accepted by one group or staying with the middle path and having both sides disapprove. Now I'm not saying that approval is the most important factor in my decision making process. To be honest it rarely even factors in, unless we are talking about my husband which is another post entirely.

So, I guess what I am asking is where has the middle path gone? Does it exist? I feel inspired to keep looking for it when I hear someone such as Haza Yousuf speak... But I feel I rarely see it in my actual life. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places, who knows.

Something I struggle with is whose opinion to take when I am seeking an answer to a question that I feel is unclear in my knowledge of the deen. Let's take pigs. I have heard with my own ears learned men saying that the FLESH of the pig is what is forbidden so gelatin is OK because it is made from BONES. No, I'm not kidding you. Now on the other extreme I have had Muslims flip out when they saw Layla's Piglet toy. "Oh!!!!! A pig!!!! Is that a pig your daughter has?!?!?!? HARAM!!!!!" Where is the middle path people? No, I won't eat gelatin. But yes I will give our daughter a stuffed pig if it makes her happy. On second thought, let's not start on toys that look like living things... Oh I don't even want to try and unravel that one with you! So, I just want to ask have you noticed the following...

**If a new sister puts on hijab but has an American twist on it people will tell her it's not "proper hijab". If that same sister puts on jilbab and khimar people will tell her she's too extreme and she doesn't have to wear all that.

**If you get a loan and buy a big house the Muslims will come to visit you, ooggle over it and say masha'Allah about 70 times during thier visit. Then, behind your back they will criticise you for dealing in interest. However, if you buy a smaller house they will say masaha'Allah to your explanation of not dealing in interest and then behind you back go on about "How can he shove his whole family in that horrible little house??? His poor wife!"

**If you are a mother and you bring your kids to the mosque people will be irritated with thier behavior. If you stay home they will chastise you for never going to the mosque.

**If a brother marries an attractive woman (especially from a different nationality) he will be criticised for only choosing her based on looks. If he marries a sister who isn't so attractive everyone will be gossiping about what's the secret reason he would marry someone unattractive??? Money, a good job, dating her before marriage and her family forced him???

**If you support the Muslims in places like Palestine too much you will be accused of being an extremest. If you don't you will be abandoning the ummah.

**If you like to go to the movies, listen to music, read popular literature... You will be too Western. But if you unplug the TV and never spend another penny on popular movies or music... You are extreme.

You see where I am going with this... Right? I guess the Muslims are never happy. But also we can't seem to find a middle ground and leave people alone about it. Why is that? And what can we do about it? Just thoughts people, just thoughts...

Not everything that's good is easy...

I have not been practicing truley mindful guidance/discipline with my children for quite some time. My husband has taken on the role of disciplinarian and I gladly let him have it. Now with him overseas I have had to take on that role and own it. And it has been hard.

I have a temper. And I have too much work to do anyway... Which makes dealing with an explosive child very hard for me. I told DH and decided in my own mind that I was not going to spank. DH does (a literal slap on the hand which seems to be an Egyptian thing), and so have I because this is what the consequences are in our home... So this is a departure for us. I am reserving spanking for the rare instance where the child is putting himself in harms way... Which has not happened since the 20th of April when DH departed. And I am now trying to have the punishment fit the crime (so to speak). Make a mess, clean it up. Take advantage of a freedom (playing outside for example) lose it.

What has surprised me is that staying calm and limiting discipline to taking away toys or privileges has been hard for me. It seems like the more I bottle up the yelling the more angry I am. Also, I think I was satisfied by the immediacy of the slap on the hand in a way. It was easier than following through on things that happen later such as no TV time, or no dessert... And what is different about delayed consequences for me is that I have a second explosion to deal with when they are enforced.

I know my kids are old enough to understand consequences. They are 5, 6, and 8 now... And of course the 2yo is out of the equation. I know that this is the better way... It also seems to be the harder way. Much harder.

One thing I did about a month before DH left was a schedule. We have set times to do things. Breakfast, lunch, nap time for the baby, play outside/free play, dinner, bath times boys and girls on alternating days, and then reading and workbooks before bed. It made a huge difference. And I have been hiring for things that need to be done for DH's business that will take me out of my schedule. What does this have to do with discipline you ask? Well, I find that anticipating blow-ups and not just letting the kids run randomly from one thing to the next helps me AVOID having to discipline.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy. And it isn't always what you WANT to do. I would love to spank someones behind and send them to bed when they trash the room they are supposed to be playing in... But now I calmly tell them they will have to clean it up before the timer goes off or they will be missing dessert or TV time that evening. Allah be with me... I am trying!LOL

Read Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline...I know I'm reading it AGAIN!

Language software, yea!

How happy am I to finally get the homeschool version of Rosetta Stone Arabic? VERY!!! I can't wait to get started. I am thinking 30 minutes every day for the kids... And maybe an hour for me (providing I can have an hour without interruption). Is my dream of speaking Arabi at home one step closer???? Insha'Allah.

this is cool, check it out!

Playground theology...

Let me preface this by saying that I have always explained God as the "creator"... Here is a conversation I had today with my 5yo.

DS: Do all Americans believe in Allah?

EW: Well, I think most Americans believe in one God... But they don't call him Allah.

DS: On the day of judgment will they have to meet Allah too?

EW: Yes, all the people who ever lived on earth will be before Allah on the day of judgement to talk about the good things and the bad things they did while they were alive.

DS: But how will they talk if they are dead?

EW: Well, since Allah created us he knows how we work and he can make us again.

DS, after much thought: So, like I know what is in cookies... Powder (aka flour) and butter and sugar... So I can make them whenever I want. So Allah has all the 'gredients (aka ingredients) to make us come alive again! Like that?

EW: Sure, kinda like that;)

The what if...

I have been contemplating a post like this for some time... And I have been trying to think of a way that I can express myself without just sounding like a crazy person or someone bragging about her past and remembering things as they never really were... But I have been watching so many sentimental movies while my DH is overseas that I can no longer resist the urge. I am about to tell you things that even my DH doesn't know, things he has never heard all of or even most of in a way that would enable him to have an accurate picture. I suspect he knows this... He has told me many times "that period of my life is still a mystery." And it is, even to me. But here is what I know.

It wasn't 100% that I would become The Egyptian's Wife, even though I wouldn't take it back ever. I had a weird few years after graduating college and I could've married one of a few different men... And DH still thinks to this day that the reason I didn't is that they never asked with the intention of actually doing it. And he still jokes/laments when times are bad "See, you shouldve married the Saudi." What's closer to the truth is that none of them were someone I could be with for various reasons.

In high school I met a cardiologist doing military service to pay for med school who asked me to marry him. He asked me after he was relocated to another city, and did so by numerous letters. I didn't have the maturity/guts to even open them until my second year of college. Then I took an entire day reading them. They broke my heart. I gave him the wrong impression and was truly unfair to never respond to his letters. I was a child, he assumed I was angry at the idea that he left me in Denver without any promise to continue our relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth... I was just a flighty adolescent. I wrote him when I was in college and he quit the military and became a minister. He later married a woman he met at a Christian summer camp where she was a counselor and he was a youth minister.


I guess I could've been a preacher's wife.

In college I met, was engaged to and lived with a man who had more money than sense. He was Japanese, and his family was wealthy. No, WEALTHY. No, WEALTHY!!!!! And he was spoiled and probably sociopath because he was sent off to school too young to have ever formed a real bond with his parents. When we got to the point of me actually considering moving there and getting married... He started to get into drugs, and it was downhill from there. He would've been a bad choice anyway, people raised in that kind of opulence just seem to be out of touch with reality most of the time, in my opinion.


I guess I could've been a harajuku girl.

Then I moved back to Denver and was teaching a preschool class when spotted by a Saudi boy. He arranged for my teaching assistant to introduce us (he knew her) and we dated. I liked him. Of all the men other than my DH... He is the only one I might be bold enough to use the word love with. He introduced me to Islam. He witnessed my shahada. He was there for that life changing discovery that now has its' place at the center of my life. I still read from the Yusuf Ali translation in the Quran he gave me every day. It's not like I am sorry that I didn't marry him... It's that he was a part of such an important part of my life. My husband knows him because after my DH and I got engaged he came to me and caused enough doubt in my husband's mind about me that he called off the engagement for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks this boy who had begged so desperately for my affection during the days after he found out I was engaged never was able to reconcile his culture and his feelings for me. In the end... I told him unless he was ready to defend his choice to marry me he wasn't ready to make it. And he wasn't. I decided I would rather never get married than attach myself to a man who could just go back to his family at any moment. The last time I saw the Saudi boy was at a lecture in Denver, and even though I was pregnant with two small children in tow our eyes met long enough for me to be sure he recognised me and that made him very uncomfortable.


So I guess I could've been a Saudi princess.

Then there is the Egyptian, the judge's son, the boy who stayed in the US and gave up everything in Egypt to care for his sister here in the states after an accident left her disabled. My husband. I feel like through all the struggles and years I know he was the one I was meant to marry. He is the one who I needed to force me to wake up. To force me to become a stronger person. To force me to do things I wouldn't have dreamed of. There have been bad things... I have struggles I don't think we need and I know I don't want... But we are stronger because of it. I can say that I could've chosen another man, but in the end I don't know that's true. It had to be him somehow. And when he called me after 2 weeks of waiting patiently assuming that I would've married the Saudi boy by now... I knew anyone who would have the heart to let me go because he thought I might be happier with the other man and the guts to make that phone call on the off chance I was still available was the person I was meant to be with.

So that friends, is how I became The Egyptian's Wife.

If you are shy, well... Read this post anyway!!!

I am writing this because I was inspired by this post on Miss Muslimah's blog. I think it is an interesting topic, and one I would encourage all women to sit down and talk about with their husbands. Now I am not a scholar, or an "expert" of any kind... I am just a woman who has been married almost 10 years now to a man who is pretty upfront about these things and I hope women whose husbands are a little more reserved might benefit from this discussion. It is my opinion that sex can either be the glue holding your marriage together or the slow tide wearing it down day after day.

In Islam men have the right to demand sex whenever they want it. I think it is fairly well known. And I know many Muslimahs have shook their heads at it. But remember that sex for a married couple is an act of worship. A way to protect themselves from the evils outside. So think about this:God's Messenger(s) said: "In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqa." The Companions replied: "0 Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded." (Muslim)
And also I want to talk about some consideration for the wife because in the Quran Allah says:

"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them." (Quran, 2:216)


I want to point out that I feel the major reason that women see sex as an imposition rather than a relaxation/enjoyment they can share with their spouse is the failure to achieve orgasm on a regular basis, and/or the failure of the husband to spend adequate time on foreplay. Now stop blushing!!! I am serious here!!! There are numerous occasions where this is considered in the prophetic tradition... And I would encourage you to read about it further, there is some great Q&A on SunniPath. It bears mentioning that women are also guilty of letting this problem go unspoken. How can you expect a spouse to alter his/her behavior if you stay silent on the matter?

This brings me to another point. I think it is important to experiment sexually with your spouse. You should try different things, you should talk about your likes and dislikes, and you should share your fantasies with each other. Who will you have these conversations with if not your spouse? Who will you fulfill your desires with if not your spouse? Go to bed before you are exhausted when you can and spend time together. Lock the door and just enjoy each others company. And don't tell me haram!!! There is only one thing that is haram. Anal sex. Anything else might be frowned on by some jurists or whatever... But only one thing carries the big H word.

Half of physical intimacy (if not more) is actually mental. If either spouse feels ignored, undesirable, put-upon, whatever... You will not have a mutually satisfying sexual experience. So keep this in mind when you are having troubles in this department. Ask yourself "How must my spouse be feeling in this situation?"

Let me give you an example... Ahmed comes home from work every day tired and all he wants to do is eat dinner and watch Al-Jazeerah until he winds down and is ready to go to sleep. The couple puts the kids to bed, hangs out until isha... Prays and goes to bed. Then, Ahmed approaches Khadija (it seems to her) from out of nowhere wanting to be intimate. Night after night she agrees and the feeling of sex being one more thing on her to do list builds. Soon, she is never approaching him with interest... Because there is nothing in the whole process for her. Ahmed begins to suspect that Khadija has simply lost interest in sex after being married for some time and having children. Khadija starts to think that if Ahmed still found her attractive he would certainly spend more time on pleasing her as he did when they were first married. Pretty soon sex is a source of tension rather than a relief from it. Do you see where I am going with this???

There is nothing in Islam that suggests married people shouldn't enjoy intimacy. Quite the opposite actually. Sex with your spouse is not only a halal enjoyment... It is a good deed. So I think it is our duty to pursue happiness and fulfilment in this area. And to have open and honest discussions about what brings us pleasure with our spouses. A good sex life builds a bond that nothing else can.

As wives, we are in a unique position to do this. I'm sure that if you go to your husband tonight all cleaned up and looking good saying that you want to talk about what you would like to try and what desires he has he will not turn you away!LOL You might even end the evening on a very good note;) Now on the other hand, he might feel that if he goes to you he is pressuring you or embarrassing you... So I think wives should take this one.

Another thing I want to address is timing. Now timing can be seen on two levels. Timing of the entire act and timing of the things you do within the act. So for general timing... I think you need to have time when you can be left alone. That might be different for each couple. Maybe after fajr for you... Maybe during DH's lunch break when the kids are at school... Maybe at night after the kids are in bed... You see what I'm saying? Now timing within the act. OK, I can't think of a nice way to say this... So I will just say it. Once men achieve orgasm they are DONE (generally, men don't get all mad at that idea). So, the woman needs to achieve orgasm first in most cases. Now I know all husbands are stallions and all (right ladies?) but most women will not achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Sorry guys, it has nothing to do with you... So ladies, you will have to talk to your guy about getting you there however you like. And men, please have patience and don't skip this part of the process!!!

I say all this because I think enjoying sex is important for your marriage. I think lots of couples are frustrated for the simple reason that they are not thinking of the other person when they are in the bedroom. I assure you if women achieve orgasm the majority of the time, and husbands actually enjoy sex rather than just having it (there is a difference) the entire marriage will benefit.

I want everyone reading this to consider something pretty profound. If you and your spouse are leading Islamic lives, you are one another's only source of sexual fulfillment. Let me say that again. You are your spouses only source for sexual fulfillment. And that is a big thing.

Part of protecting your spouse from adultery is making sure that you fulfill his/her desires. Women, don't let your men go looking at work!!! Men, don't let your women turn into an episode of Desperate Housewives!!! If you really want to be a garment for your spouse as the Quran says... You have to know what that implies. You are a protection from the outside world. Now I know that there are more aspects to this than sex, but I am talking about sex for now.

So don't freak out at this idea. Consider it seriously. If the conversation stalls or you get nothing from it you and your spouse go through a book about sex (not porn guys, sheesh!!! a real informative book for couples!!!) and talk about the things you read. Be proactive. Wives, you will not have a satisfying sex life if you just lie there waiting for him to do something that excites you. Husbands, your wife will not magically get you vibes about your secret fantasies and desires until you talk to her about them. Please kids... Islam has given you the license to enjoy sex and get rewards for it. Your marriage will benefit from truly enjoying this God given right. And you shouldn't just disregard this gift Allah(swt) has given us.